just. thought.

*mencuba utk tidak menangis*

here's a random thought lately. not so random because this few weeks i've always thinking about it. and it's keep going and going in my head and sometimes i could not stand it till i wanna cry.

this entry is a bit emotional or maybe too emotional. 

pms mungkin.

first thought, sometimes.. yeah sometimes there's a question in my head, why i'm still here. what actually i want. sampai bila mau menyusahkan semua orang, apa yg orang fikir bila aku ni tiada nanti. and i feel like i wanna disappear from everybody. gone away, go far far away from everybody. tapi masa aku fikir begitu, aku lupa yang Allah sentiasa ada, ada sebab Allah mau semua ni jadi. keluarga, kawan, org yg kau mau dampingi.

i have this low self-esteem thing. for me, everything seems hard for me to achieve. and always using 'just go with the flow' term. because i don't want expect anything. everything. there's so many things back then i'd expected, maybe too much and at one point, i fall down. and it's really hurts. 

i'm not pretty like them, not skinny as them, not clever, and even not rich. i have nothing. there's nothing. and because of that nothing, whenever i make friends with everyone, there's a time i will turn back over and felt so sorry for them because i've always give them so many trouble. because i can't afford a thing and i am troublesome. kalau bukan sebab Allah nda bagi aku family yang baik hati, aku nda kan dapat sambung belajar mungkin. nda kan dapat lebih dari apa yang aku mampu milik mungkin.

tapi manusia pun pandai penat juga kan, manusia ada perasaan kan. kadang2 aku jauhkan diri dari semua orang sebab aku mau bagi dorang kebebasan dorang sendiri, nda mau cari dorang bila dorang perlu sebab aku tau manusia pun ada perasaan sakit, penat, pelik and whatever else.

aku tau mungkin ada yang rasa aku ni selalu judge orang, fikir pasal dorang yang bukan-bukan. memang kita nda ble sangka bruk, mau sangka baik ja. tapi kalau kita sentiasa fikir positif tanpa fikir perasaan orang lain sakit hati ka, feeling betrayed ka, nda kan kita mau biarkan ja. that's why i'm always jump into a conclusion and always made myself felt wronged, because from that i'll realized for what i did all this while. apa-apa yang jadi pun aku ndamau salahkan sesiapa sebab aku mau reflect diri sendiri. aku tau semua yang jadi tu bersebab untuk aku atas kesilapan lampau atau pun kebaikan masa lalu mungkin. dan ujian Allah mungkin.

and one more thing, when i think back all over again, mungkin perubahan sebab orang lain tu baik, tapi takut nanti jadi nda ikhlas, dan bila kita sudah berubah, benda yang kita selalu harapkan tu nda menjadi macam mana? sakit lagi kan. that's why when he always said to me something to be change of, i feel like i wanna do like what he said, but what's the point if it is only for him. so, let me make decision for myself. and lately, i always felt that Ibu didn't want me expect anything from that person. walaupun aku selalu ikut kata hati, tapi bila Ibu yang cakap begini dan begitu, i will think everything again. sebab pengalaman mendewasakan aku. aku tau, Ibu tau apa yg terbaik untuk aku. Ibu never mentioned if he's a bad man or what, tapi Ibu lebih suka lagi mungkin kalau tiada apa2 yang aku harapkan dari dia.

kalau hidup ni sangat mudah, semua orang boleh berjaya dengan sekelip mata kan. sebab tu Allah suruh kita berusaha. tapi, all the bad habits, this low self-esteem thing, when it will disappear? dan sampai bila mau menyusahkan orang lain lagi sampai orang penat dengan kita kan.

thank you for everything, everyone who always helping me, always with me in up and down. minta maaf untuk segala kelakuan yang menyusahkan, yang mungkin menyakitkan hati dan lain lain lagi. i really don't know how to pay everything, let Allah pay all the good things to them. 

i'm sorry.